My Decision to Have Gastric Sleeve Surgery

This will be the first time I’ve openly talked about my recent gastric sleeve surgery past the three or four people that have known about it since the beginning.  If I’m being honest with myself and everyone else, I didn’t want to put it out there because it was like I was admitting defeat.  I couldn’t lose weight on my own, so I was taking the “easy” way out.  At least that’s how I perceived it to be.  There are such negative connotations surrounding the subject of weight loss surgery and I didn’t want any judgement from outside sources.  I’ve decided to talk about it now because I want to be able to remember where I was/am mentally and physically during the rest of the process.  On days when I want to give up, I want to be able to come back to this post and have a renewed sense of purpose.  Or curse the heavens for making me do this…it could really go either way.

My reasons for choosing gastric sleeve surgery probably aren’t that much different than anyone else’s reasons.  I was tired of trying every single diet in the world.  To go through the ups and downs of starting a new eating plan.  Being excited to take steps in a new direction, only to be discouraged because real life got in the way and I ate a candy bar.  And that one candy bar would turn into two, or it would turn into a week of bad meals, or it would induce so much guilt that I’d give up at the slightest misstep.  I don’t think I understood how fluid I needed to be when taking on the challenge of healthy eating.  That it’s okay if I take one step back and eat something I shouldn’t as long as I push through and make better decisions next time.

I knew something needed to change.  I’m a few years away from being 40 and I wasn’t physically happy at all.  Being a functioning adult is one thing, but actually embracing and loving life is another.  When I walk out the door in the morning, I feel exposed, yet restricted by the more than extra pounds blanketing my body and I didn’t want to feel that way anymore.  I’ll go into the gritty details of my surgery prep (doctors, tests, and all the in between) in a separate post, but I want to use this first post as a jumping off point.  Below, you’ll see a glimpse into the first few weeks after my surgery.  Every few days, I would make notes on my phone…a few sentences here and there describing how I was feeling.  And yes, you’ll notice that I decided to have my surgery during the holidays, pretty much throwing myself into the fire and being on strictly liquids while everyone around me was eating their holiday desserts.

12/14/16 (Surgery Day!) – PAIN!!

12/27/16 – Still getting used to the small stomach.  My mind isn’t used to seeing so little food on a plate.

12/28/16 – Did I make the right decision?  Everything I eat feels like it’s getting stuck in my throat.  I feel like I won’t be able to enjoy food anymore.  The act of cooking is more like a chore now.  I was so excited to make mini chicken pot pies today, but could only take two bites before I was full.  I’m so not used to that.

12/31/16 – Was able to put my belt down two notches.  Notches I’ve never used before!

1/4/17 – When I look in the mirror, I still see the same person I was before surgery even though I know I’ve lost weight.  I can feel it and I know people see it.

1/8/17 – I haven’t been doing well these past couple of days.  I’ve been struggling a lot with my meals.  Not being able to sit down and enjoy a plate of food has been hard.  I overate over the weekend and I had to step back and reevaluate why I went through this whole process.  I’m just feeling lost.